Games Meet Metal: Ma'am? Could you please close your legs? You're scaring the children. Bayonetta: The Riff Review

Click a button to quick-search the awesomeness.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Ma'am? Could you please close your legs? You're scaring the children. Bayonetta: The Riff Review

Sexuality. In the right hands, it can make any man or woman instantly desirable and turn the person they're vying for into a quivering pile of lustful thoughts. In the wrong hands, it just turns into a sticky copy Hustler magazine. And that's what Bayonetta is, but with a much smaller head than the rest of the Hustler tramps.

Bayonetta is directed by the same guy who also oversaw the Devil May Cry series, so you know what you're walking into: super stylish over-the-top fighting with stylish over-the-top enemies, insane combos, beautiful scenery, and screen-filling bosses. However, this time around you control a heaping pack of lustful estrogen who goes overboard on the "Hey, I'm a sexy chick! LOOK AT ME DAMMIT!!" And as a potential spoiler alert, you'd think she might have some daddy issues.

Let's start with what works good, namely the graphics. Bayonetta is a gorgeous game, with tons of detail. The enemies, locations, and a good chunk of the characters are all well drawn. the battle system too is very fun to use. The combos in the game bring the hurt in a ton of imaginative ways, be it with guns or swords. Plus, each style of enemy has their own Overkill, a sort of fatality move that adds extra style points as well as additional  in-game currency. I have to give a special shout out to the boss characters, which were my favorite battles of the whole game.The bosses here are actually more than screen filling. Hell, they take up several TV's worth of size!

Then there's what doesn't work: the entire plot and the female character design. It's been stated over and over again, but now I have to throw my two cents in. Lead protagonist Bayonetta is just ridiculous looking. I've heard it summed up before as the design team took everything that the general populace finds attractive about women, put them together, and Bayonetta is the abortion that resulted. Way too long legs and arms, too gig of a torso, and a tiny head just makes it all look like a science experiment gone wrong. Plus, the attitude they gave her just reaks of blatant sexism. Pull a lever? Wrap your legs around it. Find a pole? Do a bunch of stripper twirls. Just standing around? Show the camera your ass. And remember those fatality attacks? Well, the bosses have their own too, but for these, Bayonetta's outfit runs away from her and turns into a hideous beast. Of course, this leaves the wench pretty damn naked. In my book, that's just overkill on the supposed sensuality.

Then there's the plot. Actually, I'm not even sure the writing staff for this game decided on a cohesive story line at any time, as Bayonetta's story arc is in bad need of a Cliff's Notes version. there's way too much exposition going on with very little resolution possible. And when there is a resolve, it's in the most dickheaded way possible. Once again, SPOILER WARNING! Near the end of the game, major characters keep getting killed off, but not. Every time it happens, they are miraculously saved after a quick cut-scene explanation. Every time it happened, I could literally hear M. Night Shayamalan from Robot Chicken go "Wow, what a twist!" to the point that I just gave up and realized not a damn person's dying, no matter how many times they tease with it.

In the end, Bayonetta is a deep action game that gets it's ass kicked by an overly complex plot and useless titillation. If you dig you can find the good bits, but trudging through thte utter mire of crap will make you reconsider even trying. Final grade: Ozzfest 2003

No comments:

Post a Comment