Games Meet Metal: Ozzfest uses spike-studded dildo, millions literally butthurt

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Saturday, May 1, 2010

Ozzfest uses spike-studded dildo, millions literally butthurt

Finally, the Ozzfest announcement was made this past Friday night. And wouldn't ya know it? They fucked us all. I, myself, had to buy the super expensive ass cream as the burning wouldn't stop. No wonder they put this news diddy on Friday night when most of the world was either busy working (like me) or getting shitfaced and sexing up the ladies (unlike me). First off, let's go to what everyone is shitting on the most, the lineup.

Main Stage:
Ozzy
Motley Crue
Rob Halford
Devildriver
Nonpoint

Second Stage:
Black Label Society
Drowning Pool
Kingdom of Sorrow
Goatwhore
Skeletonwitch
Saviours
Kataklysm



Boy oh boy, did everyone share their opinions on this. Yes, the collection of the usual insightful quips from the metal community came out in stride, and it was all thoroughly thought out arguments and peaceful discussion. HA! Just kidding, It was all flame wars and Ozzy fanboys, which is silly humorous for an outsider like me. As to the lineup itself, I'm gonna go ahead and be "that guy" and say that this is something that I would spend my money on, even if all the pairings do seem a little odd on paper at first.

Ozzy and the Crue may not seem the best coupling, but at this stage in their careers, they're just both legacy acts that everyone came to see perform their hits. Then there's Halford, who's solo schtick hasn't exactly made him big bank over the years. Probably why the press release was screaming he'd also be doing Priest and Fight songs as well. Devildriver is solid, Nonpoint is "meh". At least I can vouch for the whole second stage, save for Saviours. Nothing bad, just haven't heard them yet.

Yep, I would totally spend my money on this, no joke. But here's where the real problem is for me: THE SHITTY TOUR DATES!!!!

Sat, Aug  14 San Bernardino, CA San Manuel Amphitheater
Tue, Aug 17 Chicago, IL First Midwest Bank Amp.
Thurs, Aug 19 Pittsburgh, PA First Niagara Pavilion
Sat , Aug 21 Hartford, CT Comcast Theater
Sun, Aug 22 Camden, NJ Susquehanna
Tue, Aug  24 Boston, MA Comcast Center

Fuck, no Michigan date! I knew going in that the schedule would be truncated, but this is turning the whole thing into "baby's first metal festival."  And not touring in Michigan when you have a hair metal band with you is a bad business decision, as the Wolverine State is the one place where hair metal can still sell mega tickets. It's like we're caught in some sort of hellish time warp. If you look closer, it's even bleaker. There's no New York dates (usually a goldmine) and it skips right over the southern U.S.. Maybe this is a sign that everyone involved knows that the "Ozzfest" brand just isn't as valuable as it once was.

Maybe I shouldn't be bitching so damn much. It's not like an assload of other package tours aren't coming through. Mayhemfest, Warped, American Carnage, Summer Slaughter, The "Cool" Tour (ugh, still hate that name), Blackdiamondskye, and not to mention whatever little bands go out on their own. That's still a packed summer, but I wanted my Ozzfest. I had so many fond memories of the tour. But in the end, I'm gonna have to give it up. Ozzfest is really in the crapper, and Ozzy himself just isn't interesting on his own enough to go see him on a solo tour.

Of course, he could pull out the big guns and do a retirement tour. Too bad he already did that once.

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